Nothing Is Wrong, But I Am Suffering

For most of my life, when I was struggling, suffering or finding things hard, I believed that if I could just change something in my life, everything would be fine.

If I had more money, I’d be able to enjoy life.

If I got the house, I’d be able to enjoy life.

If I found the right hobby, I’d be able to enjoy life.

It always looked like the answer to how I felt was somewhere out there in the world.

All I needed to do was figure out what needed fixing, and I’d finally be okay.

And to be fair, it worked… to a degree.

I’d make more money and feel better. For a while.

Upgrade the house and feel better. For a while.

But then something else would appear.

Another problem.

Another area of life that didn’t feel quite right.

I honestly thought there was some future point where I’d got enough of my life sorted that I would be able to start enjoying it.

I didn’t even know to question it. I just kept plugging away, hoping one day it would be enough.

But it never was.

It would take burnout, depression and a divorce to help me realise this.

A conversation with a coach would help me discover why my approach to enjoying life was ultimately flawed.

What I started to see was that our experience of life didn’t come from our external circumstances, but from the inside-out.

What does that even mean?

Well, the way that helped me see this was… imagine two people get on a plane at the same time. One is jumping for joy and the other is petrified and anxious. We’re brought up to think it’s the plane that is making us happy or scared, but how can that be if people are boarding the same plane? Something else must be going on. And it is.

It’s not getting on a plane that makes you happy or anxious (even though I get it looks like it does). The experience you have is coming from within. It’s a combination of your beliefs, conditioning and thoughts that create your experience.

What I came to see for myself was that my external world didn’t need to change for my whole experience to change - I started noticing how my thoughts were constantly flip flopping.

One experience that made it really obvious was going out in social situations. I’d be so anxious beforehand, but then 5 minutes later my brain would be saying things like “see I told you we’d enjoy this”. Nothing had changed but my suffering certainly had, because my inner world had shifted.

Some years later after seeing this in lots of areas of life - I was having one of those moments of suffering. I have no idea what it was about, but it was affecting me. As I often do in these situations I grabbed my journal to talk it out with myself.

At some point in this process of exploring what the heck was wrong this time I wrote down the following phrase…

Nothing is wrong, but I am suffering because…

And I just let myself answer as honestly as I could. Again, I can’t remember what I wrote down but what I do know is that it snapped me out of the suffering I was experiencing.

Here are five examples of what I have written multiple times over the past twelve months when reflecting on this idea.

Nothing is wrong, but I am suffering because…

• I’m tired but keep forcing myself to keep working.

• I’m worrying about a future situation that looks really problematic.

• I’m wishing this project would progress quicker so that I can get to the really fun bit.

• I’m replaying over that thing I said to a friend and thinking of all the ways they might have taken it badly.

• I’m wishing people wouldn’t ask so much of me so that I have time to do the things I want.

What this phrase showed me was that in that moment there was nothing wrong. I would be sat somewhere safe, by myself and just journaling - no immediate danger or problems that needed to be dealt with right now.

And yet, time and time again I was suffering.

I love this phrase and use it all the time now. It just makes it so obvious how almost all my suffering is not in reality, but a story that I create in my head.

Now, that doesn't make it feel any less real in the moment. But that’s where the phrase comes in. I write it down and answer as honestly as I can.

What I’ve found this does is that it brings to my attention the stories I’m believing about a situation. And that awareness starts to create a gap between reality and the layer of meaning I’ve added to it.

It doesn’t mean I suddenly feel like everything is good with the situation but it does reduce the suffering and stop me getting caught up in the story.

Give it a try next time you find yourself up in your head or out to lunch or suffering in some way. Write down the prompt (nothing is wrong, but I am suffering because…) and just see what comes up.

Then get curious about whether your answers are meaning or perspective you’ve added to the situation.

Happy exploring,

Paul

P.S - this is going to be another book I’ll write. Where I share over 100 very human ways we innocently suffer - and how through awareness and a simple prompt we can change that.